My Journey With Anxiety

Anxiety

Anxiety, more specifically, psychiatric anxiety, is defined as a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.  According to the ADAA, anxiety disorders affect nearly 18.1% of the American population.  It is common.  I would be willing to bet that someone you know, if not you, has one.  That being said, every American, whether they have a disorder or not, has been trampled by anxiety at least once in their life.  For some, it may be nervousness when you walk into a new job.  For some, it may be that stress that comes with cramming for a last minute exam.  Yet for others, it can be debilitating panic attacks and isolation.  It causes fear, it can cause depression, and sometimes, it can cause a feeling of worthlessness.  It does not have to take over your life though.  Here is my story.  I hope you can find something in this, and if not, I hope you enjoy the read.  

Before the Diagnosis

I have struggled with anxiety since before I could even pronounce it.  In kindergarten I met friends, I played kitchen, and I learned new things, but along with this all I had weird habits.  I remember needing my sneakers to be tied excessively tight, to the point where my feet would go numb.  This was my normal, and when my teachers would tie them loosely, I couldn't focus on anything else for the rest of the day.  

Kindergarten, the start of it all.  I walked in ready to roll with my shoes tied bone crushingly tight. 

In the first and second grade, when I became really good friends with my classmates, play-dates and sleepovers became more common.  I sincerely wanted to hang out with my friends, they were fun, they were all so different and I loved it.  What stopped me however, was a fear of walking into the wrong house.  It sounds crazy, I know, but that's anxiety.  It doesn't have to (and usually doesn't) make sense. It got to the point where I would have minor panic attacks, crying and hyperventilating included.  Imagine a small girl walking into your house looking like she just went through hell and back, it probably was not a good look.   I, in my soul, knew I was being ridiculous, yet I couldn't stop.  There was an overwhelming fear of messing up, making myself look stupid.  It was a fear that haunted my little 8 year old mind.  Even thinking about it today, there is a weird mix of comedy over how dramatic it seems, mixed with empathy, because I still understand it.  

Along with all of this, I was just a very squirrelly young girl.  I was a strange mix of hyper, unfocused, and spastic.  I liked being busy, and sometimes I couldn't focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes.  Yet when my nerves took over, I was silent, shy, and reserved.  It seemed like a whole slew of things.  So I got tested.  Around third or fourth grade I was taken in and tested for ADHD.  It is harder to spot in girls and sometimes shares symptoms similar to anxiety.  I took lots of test, some focus related, others skill related, and they all came back negative for ADHD.  The doctors took another look at all my problems and gave my parents a diagnosis:  Social Anxiety.  It was pretty bad, not Dear Evan Hansen bad, but still pretty bad.  It was fitting, yet it seemed that with a title, it was going to be all the worse to fight.  So my parents dove headfirst into it and started working on ways to help me.  

My sister and I, ready for the Spring Carnival.  My skirt was not tight enough, causing quite the issue.  

Living With Anxiety

After the diagnosis, we started looking at treatment options.  There was therapy, medication, and so on.  It all seemed like so much to me.  I was young and it seemed unconquerable.  Something that was so prevalent in my life seemed like it would never go away easily. 

It wasn't easy, and it isn't easy.  The medication made me puke and the therapist just did not work for me.  There were many times where I would cry at frustration and disappointment in myself.  Anxiety makes it easy to blame yourself.  Often times, you're aware it is only anxiety, yet you cannot get rid of the plaguing fear in your heart.  That is what makes it so much worse when friends say, "just stop worrying" and "come on there is nothing to worry about!"  You know that there is nothing to worry about, yet you cannot stop.  Often, there is no way to describe this feeling to people without having them psychically step into your body and thought process.  

As a grow older, I have gotten better at detecting when my nerves are related to my anxiety, and I have found that a solid awareness of the situation can help.  Through high school my recovery and how I coped was getting better and easier.  The situation was seemingly under control.  I rarely had massive panic attacks and when I did, they usually did not last longer than an hour or so.  Then college happened.  College is a monster of a change.  To those who have moved from home, and even those who have not, everything is new.  You're surrounded by thousands of new kids and strangers, and it is scary to almost anyone.  Making friends seems impossible.  Everyone is so busy meeting people, it seems impossible to get to know anybody.  Even after 2 months it seems that my true personality, the quirky, bubbly girl my friends and family know, is just coming out of her shell.  Anxiety flooded back the first month.  It overtook my life.  There were Saturdays where I would lay in my bed for 10 hours, too afraid to even face the outside world.  

I am still struggling.  I am still finding ways to overcome this.  I know in my heart, that I will never truly get rid of anxiety, but I will not let it hold the reigns anymore.  I will be in control and I will decide my life.  This being said, I will list ways I cope and help myself when days are particularly blue.  

Coping Techniques

• Music- I absolutely love singing.  It is what makes me the happiest.  I don't even care that I sound bad sometimes. It is just such a freeing feeling.  I understand that some people may not be the performance type, so even just finding a good playlist to listen to helps.  Close your eyes, play some music, and take it all in.
• Fresh Air- On those days where I am having anxiety, yet still feel like I can go outside, going on walks help me a ton.  Recently I have started taking 30 minute walks every day, while listening to music.  The fresh air and the music takes me to a different place, and the walking adds in some exercise and good endorphins.  
• Naps-  I truly mean this, naps are a reset button.  You cannot allow yourself to stay in bed all day, but sometimes a solid power nap gives you a fresh start. 
• Lay off the caffeine-  Coffee makes you jittery.  That's just what it does.  So lay off it for a day.  I promise you will live and you will not fall asleep walking to class.  Instead, try a glass of caffeine free tea, or best yet, water!!
• Be Kind to Yourself-  To those of us who live with problems involving mental health, taking care of physical health is a huge help.  Eat well, and work out.  It is not always easy and you cannot deprive yourself of treats and cheats, but be aware.  
• Write Your Feelings Out-  I have a blog to write out my experiences and frustrations.  It is a place where I can write how I feel and also feel supported by my community.  Maybe start a blog, or even just a diary.  Write how you feel, write what you've done that day that's good.  Write what you want to make better for tomorrow.  Draw how you feel that day.  No matter what you do, sometimes making your thoughts comprehend-able is a great fix.  
• Try Things That Scare You-  This one is the hardest.  Without a doubt.  Sometimes, doing new things can be the scariest possible thing imaginable.  However, you may find a certain activity can change you.  One of the main things I used to overcome bad anxiety was theater.  In theater you can escape the real world and pretend to be someone else for a couple of hours.  

There are so many more, and I would love to hear how you guys deal with your anxiety.  For the sake of length I had to limit my suggestions.  That being said, if you've tried these and they don't work for you, don't force it.  Find your own thing.  

Conclusion

Anxiety is a constant.  It will never go away, but it can get better.  The clouds will not always be gray and the world will not always be scary.  I promise this you guys.  I have gone through these struggles for nearly my whole life, and every day is still a challenge.  Let me say that again, I have had nearly 10 years to learn how to get over this and every single day is still a challenge.  From the little girl who was scared to go to her friends house, to the girl who has moved 2 hours away to a major city, I have come far.  Yet, anyone who knows me knows my struggle.  I understand how hard it is to overcome anxiety. I am not writing this to get pity.  I am writing this so that others may see the world from another point of view.  I understand there are many types and I cannot fully understand every single type, yet I can empathize.

Find you happy spot, and use it as a motivator.  Find you safe spot, and break out of it.  Anxiety cannot stop you forever.  You are in control of your life and I believe in you.