Slightly Organized Turmoil
I have had this blog for over a year now, almost a year and a half. I stopped writing because over the summer and fall, I found myself in a secure spot in life and felt happy and carefree. I guess you can tell when this feeling changes depending on the amount of blog posts.
It is currently 1:08 a.m. as I sit in my bed writing this. I have to be at work by nine tomorrow. I will be at work until 4, followed by class at 4:30 and proceeded by rehearsal at 6 until 10 that night. I have a long day tomorrow yet I remain wide awake with thousands of thoughts swirling around in my tired brain. I am aware that every sentence so far has started with "I", and that this might be organized chaos, but honestly so is my life right now so buckle up and hang on for the ride.
One of the things I have been thinking about the most lately is my future. This isn't uncommon for a confused college student, but lately it has been completely overtaking my thoughts. I long so hard for success, yet I don't fully know what that means to me yet. Average isn't an option for me, yet I feel as though everything I am doing is average. A lot of this stems from complete insecurity, nerves and anxiety (my internship doesn't use the Oxford comma so I'm testing that out).
Speaking of internship, I am so beyond grateful for mine. I can already tell I have great coworkers, it is obviously a great cause, and we have an amazing view of the Cathedral of Learning from our 37th floor window in Downtown Pittsburgh. This all being said, I am feeling completely and utterly wrecked with nerves. I know that I can write, yet the idea of jumping in headfirst and writing stories that mean a ton to families and their mission statements feels very sink or swim. This clearly is not the case as they know I am there to learn but I cannot stop thinking about failure.
This fear of failure is then bleeding into my academic and social life as well. I know I have found my place and my people here in Pittsburgh but I simultaneously feel as though I am too big of a personality and not enough of a personality. In social situations I always teeter the line of wanting to laugh my loud, obnoxious laugh, chiming in when I want to talk and never talking for fear that it will drive people away. I feel as though I put endless hours of work into my schooling and somehow I could still be doing more. This isn't singular to me. I know almost all of my friends feel this to some extent. In my brain though, I keep telling myself that nobody understands, even though rationally, I know they do.
Over break, I focused on what seemed like inevitable failure a bunch and my dad had to eventually give me a reality check, telling me something along the lines of, "if you don't believe in yourself how can you expect others to?" I know he is right, but that it so incredibly hard. If you have read my blog before you know of my struggles with comparison and anxiety. The personal aspect of this is the hardest to tackle though. It is easy to be honest with other people but that has to come from a place of knowing what is wrong with yourself and being sure in yourself. Questioning your accomplishments in relation to your perceived self-worth does nothing but wrack you with guilt and longing for an answer that you don't need to prove to yourself.
All of this to say, my life is kind of a mess right now. Exhaustion is taking over but I am trying not to let it slow me down. My future is bright but I cannot stop doubting myself. The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away and I am completely unaware that I am, in a way, already standing in the light. Am I crying while writing this because I am emotional or tired? Who knows. Waitress is playing on my phone right now so these emotions I am feeling are only amplified. I know that I like to live in the craziness of life - normal is boring. Really though, I just wish I was more confident in my crazy. I wish I had a crystal ball to let me know that all of my efforts are worth it. I wish I could give myself the confidence I need to know I don't need a crystal ball.
I am feeling a lot of emotions right now but I am sending all of my love your way,
Sam Rose
P.S. These are just some fun pictures from winter break as I wasn't expecting to write this and did not plan pics.
It is currently 1:08 a.m. as I sit in my bed writing this. I have to be at work by nine tomorrow. I will be at work until 4, followed by class at 4:30 and proceeded by rehearsal at 6 until 10 that night. I have a long day tomorrow yet I remain wide awake with thousands of thoughts swirling around in my tired brain. I am aware that every sentence so far has started with "I", and that this might be organized chaos, but honestly so is my life right now so buckle up and hang on for the ride.One of the things I have been thinking about the most lately is my future. This isn't uncommon for a confused college student, but lately it has been completely overtaking my thoughts. I long so hard for success, yet I don't fully know what that means to me yet. Average isn't an option for me, yet I feel as though everything I am doing is average. A lot of this stems from complete insecurity, nerves and anxiety (my internship doesn't use the Oxford comma so I'm testing that out).
Speaking of internship, I am so beyond grateful for mine. I can already tell I have great coworkers, it is obviously a great cause, and we have an amazing view of the Cathedral of Learning from our 37th floor window in Downtown Pittsburgh. This all being said, I am feeling completely and utterly wrecked with nerves. I know that I can write, yet the idea of jumping in headfirst and writing stories that mean a ton to families and their mission statements feels very sink or swim. This clearly is not the case as they know I am there to learn but I cannot stop thinking about failure.
This fear of failure is then bleeding into my academic and social life as well. I know I have found my place and my people here in Pittsburgh but I simultaneously feel as though I am too big of a personality and not enough of a personality. In social situations I always teeter the line of wanting to laugh my loud, obnoxious laugh, chiming in when I want to talk and never talking for fear that it will drive people away. I feel as though I put endless hours of work into my schooling and somehow I could still be doing more. This isn't singular to me. I know almost all of my friends feel this to some extent. In my brain though, I keep telling myself that nobody understands, even though rationally, I know they do.
Over break, I focused on what seemed like inevitable failure a bunch and my dad had to eventually give me a reality check, telling me something along the lines of, "if you don't believe in yourself how can you expect others to?" I know he is right, but that it so incredibly hard. If you have read my blog before you know of my struggles with comparison and anxiety. The personal aspect of this is the hardest to tackle though. It is easy to be honest with other people but that has to come from a place of knowing what is wrong with yourself and being sure in yourself. Questioning your accomplishments in relation to your perceived self-worth does nothing but wrack you with guilt and longing for an answer that you don't need to prove to yourself.
All of this to say, my life is kind of a mess right now. Exhaustion is taking over but I am trying not to let it slow me down. My future is bright but I cannot stop doubting myself. The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away and I am completely unaware that I am, in a way, already standing in the light. Am I crying while writing this because I am emotional or tired? Who knows. Waitress is playing on my phone right now so these emotions I am feeling are only amplified. I know that I like to live in the craziness of life - normal is boring. Really though, I just wish I was more confident in my crazy. I wish I had a crystal ball to let me know that all of my efforts are worth it. I wish I could give myself the confidence I need to know I don't need a crystal ball.I am feeling a lot of emotions right now but I am sending all of my love your way,
Sam Rose
P.S. These are just some fun pictures from winter break as I wasn't expecting to write this and did not plan pics.
Listening to Waitress when you're already sad is really not how you address the problem Sam. Get your shit together.
ReplyDelete