My Bright Lights

I don't have much to write about lately that isn't really depressing and quite frankly . . . too much of a downer to make all of you endure.  I am stuck in a rut both mentally, physically, and emotionally.  My life is a lot of grey right now.  Not even black or white - just somewhere in the middle.  Inspiration has run dry and motivation is ever so further away.  I am constantly comparing myself to those I admire and look up to and I keep forgetting that I am me, not them.

Meditating on your sadness and frustrations has never fixed anything though, so this week I have decided to share a list of things that make me happy.  Despite all of the gutters I have found myself in recently, I still have just as many things that light up my life and it's time to recognize them.

1.  My friends 
• I spend so much of my time comparing myself to people that don't know I exist or care I exist that I often overlook the people that want nothing more than my success.  I have such great people who constantly support me and encourage me to be my best self possible. 
2. My hobbies 
• Is theatre sometimes the most FRUSTRATING THING EVER!? Yes.  However, it is also the most rewarding.  I am in a rough patch right now but I know that I have my cast, crew, and director fully supporting me.  It truly is great to be in such a collaborative hobby that imparts change on those involved and those who get to view the product.  Making art with friends?  Priceless.
3. My family 
• They are 2 hours away from me (11 if your name is Alex) yet I constantly feel their love radiating through my life.  It does feel weird being in Pittsburgh alone after almost 2 years here with my brother but I know he's doing great things so I am really happy for him. 
4. My pets 
• I just really freaking love my pets.  They are the absolute light of my life.  What an odd ensemble: a princess cat, a cat with ptsd, and a dog that resembles a bear.  Gosh I love them and miss them with everything in me. 
5. My new stand mixer
• I am taking name suggestions.  This mixer is so pretty and convenient and useful.  This bullet point maybe ages me a bit but oh well. 
6. Pittsburgh air

• Hear me out on this.  Very few trees = less pollen = less allergies.  My asthma is so under control when I am in the city.  It is a paradox and I don't fully get it but I love it.  I love going on walks and taking it all in - potential smog included. 
7. Coffee 
• Bean juice.  My oldest friend.  I have known you since I was very young and you have stuck by me ever since.  
8. When I come home and my roommates always genuinely ask how my days were
• Not much description required.  They care and I can tell. 
9. The random stuffed raccoon my mom sent me last semester because she remembered how much I love those little trash pandas. 
10. My tattoo! 
• Did I get this on a whim? Yes.  Well... Kinda.  I have wanted one for a few years and decided one night that I just needed to do it.  So I did.  Can anyone guess why I got a rose?
11. Myself
• Sometimes I have to remind myself of this, but I really make myself happy.  I have dealt with anxiety in varying degrees from a young age and yet I am at a great state university, have great friends, a great internship, and more opportunities on the way.  I have put myself out there and put the belief I had in myself into the world.  Sometimes they can feel cloudy, but I really love the future I am building for myself and I appreciate everyone who has ever helped me.  Everybody reading this means sometimes to me.  You are important and wanted and do not forget to be your own happiness. 

Please ignore any formatting issues.  It is very late and I am very tired. 

I am sending so so much love your way,

Sam