Auto-Pilot Decay

 I'm back!  I can't say I have too much extra time to go on walks and ponder my next blog post nowadays but I can't say I have zero free time at all.  With all of this crazy it just shows that I need to majorly work on time management and my control over it.  In fact, it's funny I should mention that, being that it is my topic for this post.  

What I can say is thank all that is above that 20-year-olds are not expected to have their lives together to the fullest extent.  That wouldn't be fair, especially considering that I have spent the first year of my twenties coping with a worldwide pandemic.  The word itself still is frightening to say out loud.  I mean, this is the stuff I am used to reading about in the past-tense and now I am living through it!  The point is, I'm just trying my best to start putting on my big-girl pants while in the midst of physical and mental turmoil.  Essentially, I have been feeling like I am losing control. 

I don't even say this to garner pity.  I am suspicious of people my age that act like they know what they are doing.  Any young adult who claims to have full reign of their lives has to be hiding something.  You know, similarly to how Instagram only shows the good parts of life?  Like that.  There has to be some turmoil mixed in, with the pilot hiding in the bathroom as the auto-pilot starts to go whack.  I am currently in the bathroom, but I want to get out... the door is just jammed. 

I could go on an endless rant about ways I feel like I am losing control, but that is partially why I have a therapist.  About that, turns out with this wild year the whole "I am in control of my anxiety" thing just wasn't working out.  Instead, T the Therapist and I are working through it. We talk about how every pain isn't cancer or corona, the world won't crash down if I take a self-care day, and I can live in the past or tuck it away and move on.  I would tell you more but I don't want to tell you more.  I will summarize a short list of lighthearted ways my life has swerved. 

1. I have dyed my hair roughly four colors this year.  Not crazy but not the norm. 

2. I just... haven't done theater.  And I am kind of okay with the break.  This sentence was hard to write.

3. I killed all of my plants over break trying to keep my friend's alive.  

4. I failed my first midterm due to the online adjustment. 

5. I started enjoying Grey's Anatomy???????

I could get a lot deeper but I am not 100% sure I want to leap back into this blog with that and scare everyone.  I will let you all know, I am fine.  Truly.  I am doing well in school and my 21st birthday is on the horizon.  I have a fun job and a paying job (two separate things). I've even been going to bed before midnight! Really, with the world's current situation, I could be doing a lot worse, so I am grateful for what I have.  Those positives though, don't diminish the actual struggles I have felt.  They are valid.  So are yours.  

But I would be lying if I said I was clearing my path in life with no obstacles.  I have no clue what I want to do with my life anymore, as theater is growing more and more threatened.  I am losing two of my closest friends as they graduate this year.  I have to find a new roommate and a new internship.  All of this while the real world creeps closer and closer.  I can't ignore it anymore.  That's kind of scary.  I am kind of scared.  

I can only hope the bathroom door opens sometime soon.  The auto-pilot can't last forever.  

XOXO, 

Me