The Year of Yes

I have spent much of my life being scared. 

I am scared to try new things, meet new people, and step out of my comfort zone.  There is an innate fear that lives within me, deep at the bottom of my stomach.  It lays dormant, only bothering me at my own disturbed insistence.  There gets to be a point where my confidence wanes and the monster formed of fright, takes hold.  It haunts me, despite my attempts to bury it; despite my attempts to disguise it.  My whole life, I have allowed it to live under the guise of anxiety.  I can't deny that sometimes it is anxiety whom aids and abets the fear but it seems inauthentic to let it be the dominant voice.  There is so much more to me.  

My truth is far more devastating.  There is no almighty monster that haunts my dreams.  No ropes hold me back and tie me down.  The person that is most at fault for my distress is the woman I am forced to face in the mirror.  A reflection that harrasses and taunts, pointing towards all of the "what could go wrongs?" She insists in their truths.  She is not kind.  She is crude and cruel.  Every waking moment is spent in a spiral of overthinking and underestimating.  Reality cannot be what one makes it, when the master at hand is so entirely distorted.  

I have spent so long, telling myself that dreams are for the stars to dictate and distribute.  Yet, they are too far away to listen, and prayers are often found unheard.  My religion, my commitment, lies towards the lights that decorate the night sky.  They are tangible and beautiful and I wish so desperately that they would hear me, just once.  But I know that even if they did, they would tell me that my fear is my own personal mountain.  I must climb it on my own.  Challenges are not won on the backs of others. 

So I have decided, to make this my Year of Yes.  A year of no fear.  A year where caution drifts on the whispers of the wind, only speaking to me when absolutely warranted.  Exhaustion, from fear of my own making, will no longer pull me under the water, drowning me.  I don't want a life of "what if's?"  I want a life well-worn, well-walked, well-loved.  I refuse to allow my reality to be warped by ripples of doubt.  This is easier said than done.  This is easier written, than lived.  

Make this my own personal promise.  Let the stars see my yearning.  Let the universe hold my hand as I venture into an unknown world.  I don't need a clear path ahead.  I don't need an easy path.  I simply need a path that will not lead me into a fruitless dark.  For one day, if I keep insisting and writing my own yeses, there will be a light.  At the end, my friends, the stars that never left my side, will shine down and be proud.  I will be proud.  The outcome won't matter, so long as I know that I walked the path, fearless of the end.  

- Sam 

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