Small

The simplest truth in life, is that you are never too old.

You are never too grown. 

Never too wise. 

To outrun the inescapable feeling of being small once more. 

As if you never even aged past six.

I was under the false assumption that when I grew up, graduated, and moved on I would figure it out.

Whatever that 'it' in question may be. 

Sure, it would take a month or so but the adjustment would be quick. 

The only injuries would be small ego bruises brought on by inevitable learning curves. 

The false security provided by grown-up grocery trips. 

Paying with a card sponsored by a small-but-mighty, grown-up job.

The failed illusion of maturity brought on by suit jackets and sensible flats. 

Grown-up clothes for a grown-up person. 

A person who figures it out as they go.

Reality strikes suddenly as your back meets your bed.

The work day long gone. 

Sensible flats tossed aside, landing on stuffy clothes.

And when you lay there and think.

When you really think and give yourself time to feel. 

The world suddenly feels very large. 

Large enough to wrap you up and suffocate you. 

I feel small. 

I felt big. 

I felt powerful. 

I feel small. 

Time takes me back and sucks me in. 

And I am tiny. 

I am in my parents' living room.

The world seems endless. 

It seems limited to my home. 

It is Christmas and my cares only extend as far as the winter vacation. 

It is my birthday and I am not bothered about anything that may happen after the candles are blown out. 

It is summer and the sun is warm on my skin as the babysitter watches from the porch. 

I don't know anything yet. 

I would give everything to go back. 

To try again.

I know things now. 

I know too much, and not enough. 

I haven't figured anything out. 

I was once small.

But now the clarity of it all has settled. 

And I don't know where to grow from here. 

- Sam